


Because of you.

by Akashita



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Depressed Sam, Depression, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt Sam Winchester, I'm Going to Hell, Reader-Insert, Sam-Centric, Suicidal Reader, Suicidal Sam, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers, depressed reader, despersonalization, rediscovering yourself
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-13
Packaged: 2018-06-01 11:49:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6517486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akashita/pseuds/Akashita
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>First/third person reader: reader has been struggling with depression and anxiety and then she met Sam Winchester, who made her see the beauty of herself in the dark and cruel hunter's world. Through his own struggles Sam tries to cure her soul .... Maybe major character death, you've been warned. </p>
<p>Rated Mature for future chapters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Preface: Me

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language so if you want to be my Beta feel free to message me. Cheers :)

Being inside your body and feel like it does belong to someone else is the worst feeling she ever felt. If she had to describe it, it would be "a flying head attached to some irrealistic and distant body". That's just part of it. It was amazing when she looked at herself in the mirror for the first time in years and got surprised at how she really looked like because, honestly, she cared that little about herself that she didn't even remember her own features.

Now it seems unreal to see the present image of herself in her mind knowing who she really is, how empty it feels now to had lived without even knowing who she really was. The journey has been long and hard, the pain she felt will never cease completely as there'll come a time when her personal demon will come out from its cage and try to haunt her again. But she will fight back because that's what he taught her. 

He opened her eyes in the darkness to pull her to the light again and she owes him that ...


	2. Lockdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is where our history began.

16\. That's the number of days you have been locked in this room without going out just once, not even to the cash machine. You may thank God or whoever for delivery drivers carrying card readers and Internet payment for food delivery. The room was paid off untill the end of the month so 10 more days to go untill you'd be officially forced to shower and face the real world.

You were sitting on the bed, with your legs pressed against your chest while everything around you seemed to move without moving, shadows coming from the street created by passing cars made everything even harder. Your head was throbing and everything around looked dense and unreal, like it was covered by a wave of fog and the moist made everything disgusting and isolated. Empty boxes of pizza and Chinese lied forgotten everywhere and the room felt silent except for your racing breathing.

It felt claustrophobic as images of your last experience against the dark world crossed your mind over-thinking every second of it: from the kidnapping, beatings, abusive sexual assault... to your last fight, killing, scaping. Uncontrollably, your mind went through every single possibility that might have gone wrong and it made your heart reach its racing peak and your vision go blurry. Then... nothing.

___________________________________________0_________________________________________________________________0___________________________________________

The warmth of a hand on your face, someone's slow breathing right next to your right ear.... You started freaking out even before you opened your eyes even though that hand felt gentle and not creepy.

\- Y/N - a deep voice said- I'm Sam Winchester. You called us on a case.

The voice was soothing, barely a whisper, and a musky scent reached your nose when you turned your head into the voice's direction and opened your eyes. The curtains were annoyingly open and the brightness bathed your guest's body making him look like a mystical creature with flanel shirt and hazelnut hair. Your body felt sore from all the tension you've been suffering this past two weeks and even though you tried to move to step away from the stranger you barely managed to roll an inch away from him. He got the message and leaved the bed sitting on the dinning table beside the TV at the end of the bed, on the other side of the room, giving you enough space to cope with the situation.

\- We heard your message Y/N - he got the confused look written all over your face - Sorry I'm not alone my brother Dean is here too.

Then something caught your attention: Sam and Dean, you vagely remembered then, you couldn't think straight that night. Garth gave you their numbers years ago but never used them. He sensed your train of thought and kept talking as you started panicking.

\- Listen Y/N, - his voice was calm all along - we came to help you with the case but when we reached the cabin we saw you finished the job long ago. It took us ages to come here and I'm sorry for that. We tried calling you several times but your phone is dead and you never called back.

You moved rapidly from the bed as if all your inner power came back electrifying your muscles you stood unstably facing Sam who stood up as well in a defensive manner unsure of your reaction.

\- Y/N I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.

\- It's ok. - you hear your husky voice for the first time in 16 days and you have to clear your throat before continuing as Sam furrowed- You can leave, I'm save now.

\- How long... - he started but stopped mid-sentence - Ok. - he added firmly- Dean is getting us registred here because we came for a case, that's why you came back, right?

\- Yes - you answered without thinking.

\- We might help you if you want but my brother is determinated to solve this case and leave as soon as possible. - he added heading uncomfortably to the door.

\- Yes, of course. - Again your throat hurts when you speak . He opens the door. - We'll catch up on the case later.

He looks at you one last time before nodding and closing the door behind him. Your head starts throbing again and your legs go week and just like that, even before you realise, your knees hit the floor, your tears start rolling over your cheeks and you hear the door opening and rushed footsteps stoping in front of you. Two strong arms embrace your trembling figure and you don't even try to fight them back. He didn't buy anything you said, you think. 

\- We're here to help. No matter what you need.


	3. Glimpse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! A trigger warning for anxiety situations, especially despersonalization. Sam is gentle and Dean a jerk, nothing new but we'll get to see more action in the upcoming chapters. Please comment, I'm eager to know what you think about the fic. I apologise again for any mistake made as English is not my native language.
> 
> Hope you like it.

If someone ever told you that was going to be the way you met the two most important people in your life you would have probably felt ashamed and horrified but lying on your knees in a crappy motel room while crying your heart out in the arms of that stranger you couldn't care less. You didn't care on how oily your hair looked, how dirty your clothes were or how disgusting your room looked. The only thing you cared about was that shame of opening your heart to someone you just met and the fear of your tantrum because you didn't want to face reality after it ended.

When your sobs subsided you realized there was someone else in the room. You fought to get free from Sam's arms and saw him at the door with olive jacket, messy jeans and dusky hair. But what caught your attention were his eyes: green deep and fiery eyes with a glimpse of despair and a shadow... your mother used to say that you had the ability to read souls on people's eyes and this was no different. Dean had a broken soul with a mask as a shield, you saw a bit of it that day and you came to understand better after you knew him

-Sam, what the hell is going on here?

-Dean! She's... - Sam shared an apologetic glance with you and went beside his brother – Excuse us for a sec.

You looked at the brother's interaction much a manly competition than an actual conversation where your name was pronounced too many times. Dean looked briefly at you several times while Sam had his back facing you so you couldn't decipher what he was saying, and you hated it.

-Look guys, the drama is over. You can go and do whatever you need to do.

They both looked at you surprised and exchanged a worried glance: you didn't look like a totally fine person at all and anxiety was making you appear worried and exhausted. Dean approached you in a split second and grab you by the arm.

-Look sweetheart, I just need you to look decent to get out of the room and help us on the case, k?

-DEAN! - shouted Sam.

Your horrified look made him backtrack, share a glance with Sam and leave the room. You felt as if someone has stabbed you directly in your heart. Sam didn't know what to do so he closed the door and sat on the dinning table expecting your reaction.

There was none. That rush of fury and despair left you totally numb you sat on the bed and hoped for something to happen. You looked around you, again that overwhelming feeling of being a floating head, the room was closing over you in no time and Sam sat beside you as you were hyperventilating without control. You realized he didn't know what to do or what to say because you were totally out of control again. Without a warning you stood, walked slowly to the bathroom and locked the door. Sam didn't act fast enough to get to you in time. You looked around you in the dark just some tiny rays of sun passed through the bathroom curtains. You took a towel and lied in the bathtub, this way no one would bother you.

Time passed, you're not sure how much but when you woke up it was already dark. The room was silent and you had an awful pain on your neck. After getting out of the bathroom you tried to turn on the light but a hand stopped you. He didn't give you any chance to start acting like a maniac again, he lighted the room and you were astonished by what you saw. Sam had cleaned the room it didn't smell like garbage and the empty boxes that lived on the floor were gone.

-Why did you do all this? - you still get to have that sexy husky voice that make you sound like a farmer and think about finding a different way of communication – I mean... this is too much, Sam. This is not your shit and your life to fix.

-OK. I'll leave you to it then. 

-No, no. I'm sorry. It came out wrong. What I meant is that you didn't have to bother, this was mine to clean.

-Well Y/N, it seemed you needed a little help with some primary things. If you let me suggest something else: you need to grab a shower. My brother and I will meet you at the dinner in.... let's say 45 minutes. If you don't show up I'll come to get you. You need to eat something more than junk food.

-We barely know each other. You shouldn't intrude in my life and give me order out of nowhere.

-Well – he was very pissed off, you didn't get to understand why when it should be the other way – I know a bit about being as bad as you were when I found you. - He looked scared at his own words. Without looking at you he added. - I'll see you at the dinner.

He closed the door and you didn't get to over-think the situation instead you grabbed basic pieces of the remaining clean clothes you had and got straight in the shower. As the warm water ran through your body tears started falling, it was going to be more than a simple shower and preparing yourself to face the real world for the first time in 16 days you washed your soul as well to be prepared for what it was yet to come.


End file.
